He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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