Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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