alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
