yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
