Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
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The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
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Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT