Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.