I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
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As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
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He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.