I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
