I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
