Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
