The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Im part way to drunk.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
