Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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