you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
