I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Randomize
