Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
