So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
what the fuck happened to the tacos
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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