Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
