He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
