Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
