I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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