I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
