im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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