life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
