Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
did you just send me my own nude
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
