all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
