My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
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No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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