Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
