fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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