My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Your cock deserves a montage
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
