eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
