margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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