My nipple is on Facebook.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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