I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I puked a lego.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
