So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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