after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
