I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
