she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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