My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
