I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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