Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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