I think I died a long time ago.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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