She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
