I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
