I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
