I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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