I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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