I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
