time to smoke my breakfast
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
