i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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