I think scott just propositioned me for sex
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
