my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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