It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
