his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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