you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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