I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
