my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
